Monday, February 6, 2023

I just got back from a long weekend in Chicago. It was a nice change to have some quality family time with no distractions. We went to the aquarium to see the Beluga whales, we got the best donuts I have ever tasted, and we watched the Chicago Bulls play the Portland Trailblazers. I always love going to NBA basketball games. The stadiums are designed really well for the viewer experience.

Since I have started this newsletter, I have fallen back in love with reading and become increasingly aware of my surroundings. It might be a stretch for some, or I might be diving too deeply into the meaning of everyday experiences, but I am constantly thinking about what and who I see, hear, touch, and understand.

Whether it was the airport, walking down the street, at the Bulls stadium, eating at a restaurant, or riding in an Uber, I couldn’t help but notice how kind and considerate most of the people are in Chicago. They say please and thank you and many of them have a fun understanding of Chicago’s history. We learned the awesome story of the original Uno Pizzeria and the history of its deep-dish style pizza. We also learned first-hand what -7 degrees feels like next to a big lake and I forgot to pack my gloves…

But I also noticed something that I have read about recently, people say “sorry” a lot. Statistically, women say sorry a lot more than men. 81% of men and 81% of women apologize when they feel it is necessary to do so, but women think an apology is necessary more often than men do. Both ways of thinking are great, just different. It was very noticeable in Chicago this weekend. A man and woman had seats next to us at the basketball game and the woman apologized when we stood up to let them through. We had the same car for an Uber as a young woman and her friends and she apologized when hers showed up first and we were trying to figure out whose Uber it was. There were plenty of examples and I guess defaulting to “sorry” is a polite option but I hope people do not feel bad for what I consider very minor inconveniences if inconvenient at all.

Today’s simple moral of these examples: do not apologize unless it is necessary and be tolerant of and kind to other people.

These experiences in Chicago reminded me of a story from the book I am reading, Confucius From the Heart. Enjoy this short excerpt:

“Two monks came down from their mountain temple to beg alms. When they reached the bank of the river, they saw a girl, who was upset because she was unable to cross it. The old monk said to the girl: “I’ll carry you over on my back.” And he gave the girl a piggyback ride across the river.

The young monk was too shocked to do anything more than gape in astonishment. He didn’t dare ask any questions. They walked on for another twenty leagues, and at last he could bear it no longer, so he asked the old monk: “Master, we’re monks, we’re supposed to be celibate. How could you carry a girl across the river on your back?”

The old monk said coolly: “You saw how I got her across the river and then put her down. How come you have carried this thought with you for twenty leagues and yet you still haven’t put it down?”

When it is time to put things down, put them down physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and so on. I like that the young monk raised his concerns, regardless of how long he stewed with his thoughts. The old monk could have apologized for his actions but instead offered additional wisdom. People do not need to apologize so much. Not to themselves, not to others. It can appear polite or kind, but saying sorry too often can also negatively impact how we think on a daily basis. An apology might act as a reminder that we have done something wrong, which is not likely the case in our daily interactions with others.

I also see apologies from students and applicants to jobs. “Sorry to bother you with this email…” or “Sorry for stopping by your office unannounced…” It rarely changes the outcome of the conversation or the reality of you stopping by unannounced. People generally enjoy surprise visits or engaging with others. Take responsibility for the reasons behind showing up or emailing or following up on an application to a job. Do not apologize for it. Be confident.

It goes hand in hand with making the most of the opportunities we have. Let go. You have to let go of the bat to jog the bases. You have to let go of your application to get a job offer. You have to let go of your thoughts and drop your head onto your pillow in preparation for tomorrow. Do not say or feel sorry about it. Interact with people, notice the experiences of today, let go, and move on.

Lastly, what I learned from a weekend in Chicago:

1. Travel. Meet people. Enjoy time with family.
2. Say sorry less.
3. It’s OK to eat junk food on vacation.